A First Step: From Another Perspective
by QuartzFox
Summary: That Kitsune is something else. She's so infuriating! But sometimes she's "just" a woman… And it's times like those that she scares me the most. Response to "A First Step".


**A First Step: From Another Perspective**

_[AN] Sano started yelling at me because I posted Megumi's first person perspective, but he wanted his point of view known too. I don't know how Watsukisensei does it… [/AN]_

I've got really mixed feelings. As a doctor, she's top notch, but when she's not dealing with me as a patient… Well, she's definitely anything BUT patient.

I usually enjoy the banter but today I'm not really in the mood for it. I keep thinking about last week. The way her smile dimmed… I wish I'd never said that about Kenshin and Jouchan. Even if it is true, somewhere in the past few months I started really hating seeing her hurting. She's been hur t so much, it's just not fair.

"Oiy, Kitsune, let's get this over with, ne?"

"Ah, Sanosuke, charming as ever," she greets me. Yeah. She wants me… I can't help but grin at myself. Even I don't believe it, much as I might wish it were true.

Nah, it's better that she doesn't know for a while I've been thinking this way. If I'm right, and I hope I'm not, but if I'm right then she won't take it real well. So I shrug and grin at her and ask, "What, do you honestly think I come for the company?"

"So much for you saying nice things," she mutters.

Well! Isn't that nice of her! Okay, maybe I mess up a bit from time to time, but I always say nice things! It ain't my fault if she interprets them wrong! I bite back my irritation; I'm really not in the mood. It takes me a minute. "Just fix my hand."

She gives me a look but doesn't say anything. Instead she just goes around getting her supplies, and then sits across from me with a distracted expression. Suddenly she smirks. It annoys me, for some reason. I just know that whatever it is, it's bad for me. I try for nonchalance. "What are you smirkin' about?"

Apparently I fail, because the smirk fades. She gets that defensive look in her eyes and says a bit sharply, "Nothing. I was thinking about something else."

Damn it. I've screwed up again somehow. I may not be in the mood for our usual banter, but that doesn't mean I want her to get snappy at me. So I take a second to collect myself and take a gamble. I hated that sad look in her eyes… I don't want to see it again. "Something Kenshin said?"

She wasn't expecting that; I can tell. "What? No. Not that my thoughts are any of your business."

Sorry, Kitsune, but this time you're wrong. "When it affects my friends, it is my business." Kenshin is my best friend, and while I'm pretty sure you're not trying to mess him up on purpose, I'm not going to let you if you are. And… Well, I don't really want to think about the other possibility.

"You might as well tell me what's on your mind," she sighs as she unwraps the bandages from my right hand. I try to flex it as she does and she glares at me.

There are so many things I want to say to her. Some of them straightforward, which I usually prefer, but around her it's hard. She makes me feel so lost sometimes, so confused. Sometimes I want to hold her and protect her from everything, and sometimes I just want to beat my head into the wall because of her. Or hit things. But I can't deny to myself that somewhere in there she became special to me. And it troubles me, because I don't know if she sees me that way. I mean, she's older than me, and I know most girls like older men. And she's so traditional…

And then I'm up against Kenshin. Damn it. Next to him, NO guy could measure up. Except that he's really been coming to care for Jouchan, in spite of how she abuses him.

That makes me wonder. Is there something in us guys that makes us want the girls who treat us harshly?

But I don't think that's it, because I see how she and Jouchan act together too. Sometimes they get along fine – as long as Kenshin isn't around. Once he shows up, suddenly they're like two cats fighting – or a Kitsune and a Tanuki. But why? Why do they fight over him? Why does the Kitsune always provoke Jouchan over him?

I guess the only thing to do is ask… But how to put it so that she won't get mad at me?

"You… Do you really just flirt with him to make Jouchan mad?" Damn. That probably won't work.

She doesn't get mad, surprisingly, but I can see that my question startles her. "No, of course not!"

I stare at her, deadpan. It's hard to keep a straight face. Part of me wants to laugh in response to the smile that's spreading across her own face. Damn, but she's gorgeous when she smiles… And then she turns it into one of her Fox grins and tosses her hair at me. "Well, maybe a little."

Damn. Damn damn damn damn damn. She's hiding behind the banter, now. I can see it. Her eyes… She's grinning like a fox and tossing her hair, but her eyes are so full of that pain. I don't think even she realizes it, but what I was afraid of… I have to look away from her before her pain gets to me.

"You really do lo… like him, don't you."

Now she says nothing, instead focusing on my hand. I can't bring myself to look at her for a long moment, because I know she'll see it in my eyes. She'll see that I want her to answer in the negative. She'll see that I want her to see me in that light, and I'm not ready for that. I'm pretty sure she's not, either. But the silence is getting longer and longer and finally I have to look at her. I can see she doesn't want to answer.

Now, I can't look away.

She tries to act indifferent. "It doesn't matter, does it? He's clearly come to care for her." She makes a big show of looking for something; I guess the bandages she's put to one side. Her face is turned in the other direction; I wonder if she's doing that on purpose. Either she's really rattled, or she's just that good, and I can't tell which. "Other side, Kitsune, and that wasn't what I asked."

She's definitely avoiding the question and my gaze. I hate doing this to her. I hate doing it to myself, but I need to know. I need to know if she even knows what's goin' on in her own head.

"Kensan is a very important person to all of us." She's concentrating on my hand completely, pretending the rest of me doesn't exist. Her hands are gentle but there's something in her voice…

Damn it. I hate this. I hate to do this, I hate to ask this, and I'm terrified I know the answer but I need to hear it from her. "But do you love him?"

"Why are you asking me this?" I lean back as she cries the words. The anguish in her voice is real and I want to kick myself and more. I hate myself for pushing her like this. I hate the pain in her eyes, pain mixing with anger. She's probably embarrassed, which makes it worse.

The Kitsune has never handled embarrassment well. Usually she takes it out on someone else.

Except this time she doesn't seem to be. She stops bandaging my hand, stops moving, just closes her eyes and seems to be trying to get a grip again.

My chest hurts so bad I want to be sick. "Megumi, I…" I don't know what I can say to her. I want to apologize but she'd hate that. I want to say something comforting but I just don't know what. Finally I decide the only thing I can do is leave her alone.

As soon as I stand up, she goes all doctor again. "Where are you going?"

"Out."

"Sit down, Sanosuke. Your bandages aren't finished yet."

I blink. After I've hurt her so bad – and I know I have – she's still going to be professional first. I think I'm impressed, but mostly I'm surprised. As much as I hate myself right now, she doesn't seem to. I study her face, but she's as calm as ever. There are traces of pain around her eyes, still, but she's back in focus and I ease myself back onto the stool, a little warily.

She starts bandaging again, but she seems to be moving slower than before.

"That came out of nowhere," she says at last. She's still got that too-calm look, the one that says she's using every ounce of reserve she has to keep her emotions inside.

That's just how she is; ice and fire and nothing in between. She's all about extremes, and I have to wonder briefly if I could live with that.

I decide I probably could. "I was just wonderin'," I say slowly.

She's really being gentle now, more even than usual. It feels… nice.

I don't think I want it to feel nice. I don't know what I want. Suddenly I'm afraid of the answer.

"It's very sweet of you to look out for Kaoruchan's interests." Her words are kind but there's a sharp note in it.

Wait a minute. Does she think I've got a thing for Jouchan? How dense is she really? I'm about to ask her and she tugs the bandage she's wrapping a bit harder than necessary.

"Sorry, I slipped."

I'm about to say something to her but then I look at her face. There are tears on it. She's crying?

Apparently I said something aloud, because she answers me in an even tone. "Something in my eye. It's just tearing." We both know she's lying now.

I can't think of anything reasonable to say, so I just make a sound in my throat that sounds a little like agreement.

"If you must know…"

Must I?

I have to ask myself the question again. He's my best friend. He's coming to think of Kaoru as something more than just a landlady, just a friend. There's something there between them, and it's clear to the rest of us.

But he's an amazing guy, and I can easily see where a woman would fall for him. Especially a woman like Megumi. They really do have a lot in common, and I think if she were a bit less aggressive, she'd have a much better chance with him. The thing with Jouchan, she's violent and loud a lot of the time, but she's got a heart of gold and she's got this innocence about her that a lot of guys find attractive.

Sometimes I think that anything that makes us guys feel protective is attractive.

For all he's perceptive as hell, though, I don't think Kenshin's seen her be vulnerable since we got that mess with Kanryuu straightened up. She's always taking care of him. That's a good thing too, but she hasn't shown him any weakness, and a guy just doesn't like that. A lot of us need something that will let us feel superior.

But she still hasn't said anything, and I've done a lot of thinking, so she better have some kinda something to finish that sentence. "Talk."

Kenshin's an idiot. If he's looking for vulnerable, he should be here in this room right now. She can't look at me and she looks ready to cry.

"The truth is," and she sounds calm even though she doesn't look it, "you're right."

Now I'm surprised. SHE says I'm RIGHT?

But she's still talking. "I do care about Kensan more than I ought. I know he'll never see me in that light. I think I fell for him the moment he interrupted me at the mansion, when he stopped me from admitting my involvement My life meant so much to him. The lives of the people my medicine might help meant so much… How could I _not_ love someone who has so much to give? How could I stop loving him?"

I'm convinced for a moment that my heart is going to stop beating, it hurts so bad. The tears won't stop flowing, and normally I'm just not good at cryin' chicks, but it's killing me. I want to hold her, I want to take her in my arms and shield her from all the pain. I never realized it ran that deep for her.

I feel so useless. All I can do is be here for her. She's struggling so hard to keep it together.

She's always struggling to keep it together.

I can't take it anymore. "Oh, Kitsune," I breathe, and I stand up and I pull her to me and she doesn't resist. I stand there, holding her as she cries almost soundlessly against my shoulder. Her hair smells wonderful as I rest my chin on the top of her head, swaying with her slightly, like I'm rocking a child. She's crying for all she's worth and I wonder how long it's been since she's been able to cry with abandon like this. Seems like she's got so much pain bottled inside… I want to kiss it away, I want to heal her with a touch, but all I can do is hold her until she cries herself out.

I don't know how long I stand there holding her. I don't care how long she was crying in my arms; the simple fact that she could is enough for me, for now. She's needed a friend for so long… If that's all I can ever give her, then I'll still die a better man for it.

After a while she pushes me away, not hard. Just to let me know she's done crying. I'm a bit reluctant to let her go, and I can't tell but I think she's a little reluctant too. In silence, she finishes the last bandage on my hand and closes hers over it for the briefest moment.

"This never happened," she says, as if I couldn't have figured out that part on my own. Somehow it just reinforces my hopes.

"Something happened?" I'm sure she's embarrassed, but I'm not sure it's just because she just poured her heart out to me about Kenshin. And not just because she cried, either. But I grin, and I don't let her see anything more than Zanza would have shown.

"Tori-atama." I can hear her mutter as she turns away from the door. At least this time I don't have to pretend to get mad.

It's gonna be a long time before I can forget what it feels like to hold her.


End file.
